Divorce Agreement for the USA.
Dear Fox News Viewers, Evangelicals, Oil-Lobbyists, Wall Street Tycoons, Billionaires, Millionaires, Right-Wingers, Fascists; and anyone who doesn't worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster: It would seem that our relationship together since 1776 has been one many ups, downs, good times, and extremely terrible times. As they say, it has been swell, but the swelling has gone down. I'm afraid that this poor excuse of a relationship can no longer be maintained on the giving of one side, and the taking on the other, with no middle ground. Call it, irreconcilable differences.
Obviously, the ideologies of two distinctly different people's can be united in time, but it just doesn't seem that we have that long to wait; so, without further adue, I recommend a divorce.
Like most divorces, there will be equal division of assets, property, and, unfortunately, a not-so equal division of intellectual property, we'll get to that.
A model separation agreement:
--By sheer preference, it is obvious that our land would be better separated into it's previous iteration: dividing the country at roughly the Mason-Dixon line, with votes in each state as to which side they wish to go with (it only seems fair), and then letting the people decide which side they wish to move to.
--Since we value medical care and services for all of our people, especially the hippies, the elderly, the destitute, and the poor, we will be keeping welfare, social security, medicare, medicaid, and instituting universal health coverage for ALL people (since we view health coverage as a necessity and a right, not a privilege).
--We will gladly take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the National Center for Science Education, and the vast majority of libraries, theaters, and concert halls. You can keep your sporting arenas, dog-fighting and skeet shooting.
--You can keep the "nasty smelling oil industry" an we will indeed keep the wind, solar, and bio-diesel industry-- but we will also be taking Harvard, Stanford, MIT, NYU, and every other major university and the "liberal" professors who work there so that we can develop startling new energy sources and leave fossil-fuels behind once and for all.
--You can keep BYU, Utah, and Pat Robertson. We will be keeping Julliard, New Hampshire, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
--You can have your Judeo-Christian values, your Ten Commandment monuments and all of your churches. We will be keeping the Lincoln Monument, D.C., and Camp Quest.
--You can keep the SUVs, Hummers, Pick-up Trucks and Jeeps. We will be keeping our Prius's, Volts, Hover Cars, and anything else that gets over 35 mpg.
--You can overcharge people for their healthcare and practice Social Darwinism while not believing in Darwinism. We will be teaching evolution while practicing "love they neighbor."
--You can keep "The National Anthem" if you so wish, and "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," I suppose "Imagine" and "We are the World" will just have to suffice. After all, we really don't want songs that talk about things exploding to represent us.
--In the spirit of a friendly divorce, we will be equally separating the police and military forces of our country. However, all military personnel associated with our side will immediately be brought back to the US and placed at our borders.
--You can keep practicing Trickle Down... Trickle D... I'm sorry I can't get through that line without laughing, heartily. We will be practicing safe Capitalism that is regulated.
--Since our history is very sorted, and complex, we'll be teaching it honestly and truthfully. You can lie to your children.
--We'll be keeping the Hindus, the Catholics, the Christians, the Mormons, the Muslims, the Zoroastrians, the Atheists, the Agnostics, the Buddhists, and all the other religions IF they so wish to stay with us and they shall be treated, judged, and seen fairly in our legal system. You can feel free to discriminate as you see fit.
--You can keep the NRA, the Stand Your Ground Laws, automatic weapons, and grenade launchers, we will be restricting our people to 5 guns per person per household. We think that's fair and sane.
--You can keep your so-called "hot" Alaskan Soccer Moms, (really??) your rednecks, and your greedy CEOs. We'll be keeping our AMAZINGLY philanthropic CEOs, our educated Soccer Moms, and... and you can keep the rednecks.
I hope this is sufficiently pleasing to you and I hope that all points herein are to your liking.
P.S. Actually, you can keep most of the Catholics and the Mormons, we know they're not going to come to our side anyways since we don't grant any religion tax exemption.
P.P.S. We will also be requiring all of our children to learn English and at least one other language. Throughout their entire school career. Isnanity, I know.
Sincerely, Ethan Feigel
